I am not going to look back and describe all the stuff I did in the last 6 months. But there was a constant thing which had plagued me, may be it had started much before those 6 months which I just mentioned, or it may continue to leak into the upcoming months. I don’t want it to leak, So let me be a good plumber and prevent it from leaking further.
So the constant thing which I mentioned was worrying, brooding, planning, cribbing, all things which doesn’t go with my identity. Damn me..! Yeah it was constantly there, the negative thoughts had a grip on me, and it wouldn’t leave. It started as far as I can remember from the beginning of last semester, the fall of ‘09. I was constantly worrying about the future, about tomorrow, about my finances, about my research, about my classes, about my grades, about graduation, about my health, about my six pack, about the weekend, about laundry, about my social life, about my friends, about dishes, about grading, about assignments, about the India trip, about my love life, about my plans. It was an endless list.
Thank god, I could at least stop listing those things.
So, It wasn’t always visible on the surface, I was busy, you know to solve all the problems that were actually worrying. I felt lonely more than usual, more than required. To be honest, I was lonely, my social life was a bit messed up. Most of the close friends whom I cherished left Bozeman, I was devastated, I concentrated more on my work, I got more work done in those six months than the entire one year before that. I wanted to distract myself, so I started planning, Plan for tomorrow, So that I can fill up my goddamn schedule. So that there is no free time for me to think, to brood, to feel bad, to go have a beer. Man! It was miserable.
I planned, and made frequent notes about the things to be done. Always research work is there to help, I called for more meetings with my advisor, even pissing him off a bit. I told you, I was contagious. The notes which I made were pathetic, lists about trivial things which had to be done. It wasn’t worse all through out the 6 months. The level or rather intensity varied over the period, there were occasional laughter and fun, followed by gloom. In the last two months, I had gone all the 7days of the week to work. It was taking a toll on me. But I was trying to balance myself, what fucking balance, to read books, to run in the gym. I was putting even those subtle lovely things in a planned schedule. Though I read few of the great books during that period, which is there in my previous post .
I was in a storm, I did self introspection more than once, I was confused, I was rattled, I was in a daze, I put myself in a whirlpool of scheduled work more than I can handle. Every time I got out of it, I was tired, but since I didn’t know clearly what the problem was, I found myself back in the pool.
I was not sure whether the problem was with the society, or myself or the perception I had, or is it that I wanted a break, or whether grad school was taking a big toll on me. The lack of friends definitely made an impact. My one stop solution for all my problems in the last 8years was to run home and be with my mom for a while. MAGIC, all the problems are gone and I was as fresh as a rainbow. This time, to go home was not that easy. So, I waited, and I reached home and I was fine and forgot about everything, But too much travel, jetlag all those big events waiting for me at home were taking an even bigger toll on me. I was helpless, all I wanted was to run home and sleep and have the best kanji and dosa ever made by mom. I don’t blame one bit on anything that happened at home. But I was on a roller coaster and was trying to drink water. I got drenched big time.
And then I was back, and I was again glad to be back coz I was in control of myself(So I thought), But sadly here I am away from home and the love of my life again or in other words I am in troubled waters. Back to routine, I started to worry and plan, even more, at a faster pace, to catch up, to accept responsibility. Responsibility, Fuck responsibility. And I caught up with work, My boss is happy, my room is tidy, my office table is clean, my to do stuff is minimal. My six pack is intact. But I was in messed up, in a turmoil. Running after my own tail. Caught in the world’s random rapid raging run.
And then, I got sick. Tada… And we are at the climax, I worried even more, I want to get better, sooner the better, and then jump into the world of work again. Not so fast, says my mind and body. I sat at home, enjoyed movies, listened to music, didn’t go to my office for 4 working days. Had nyquil and dozed off. I was resting like a baby. The whole self introspection reached its flash point. I thought I had that (what experts call) moment of clarity more than once, may be I had, who really knows? I’ve had had that moments of clarity few months back as well, definitely those were warning signs for me, which I failed to read and understand.
And now I am here, last day of February and today is full moon, the day I get liberated. (Its ok! that is an inside joke) That makes lot of sense. Does it? who really knows?
Am I over it, I think I am, I’ve planted few seeds. And planned nothing. I am going to be my old self, but only better(hopefully), as somebody tweeted, “everyday I am getting better and better”
But seriously, who really knows?
-Ha ha.. its me Santiago Munez..!